Well, it was bound to happen. In fact, I have been predicting it for years. And now it looks like that day is about to arrive. This should be music to the ears of all the folks who drink numbers. They have dreamed, lusted, and drooled for something beyond the 100 point wines that, in recent years, have been cropping up like wild flowers and weeds after a spring rain. This is, to my knowledge, the first wine ever anointed with a score above 100. I do not know all the facts, but here is what I know.

Apparently the wine was pre-released to only one critic for tasting. (I am sorry. I cannot divulge the name, but you may be able to guess). And back came a 101 point score. I am told that the announcement of this first ever phenomenon will come as early as today. And, it is expected to rock the world. So make sure you are in a safe place. But, if you are, and if you are even thinking this is good for you, not so fast folks. It looks like the deal is already locked up.

You see, the announcement will be made simultaneously by the wine reviewer and the winery that produced the wine. The wine reviewer’s announcement will only go to subscribers of the publication’s extra cost exclusive pre-release list (they get advance notice of all the big numbers). The winery’s announcement will only go out to people in their Platinum Club (these are folks who have paid $1000 to join and who have purchased at least 100 bottles of wine at $$300 per bottle or more in the past year). And a few select unnamed 100 point wine reviewers with at least 1000 100 point wines to their credit will also receive the wine. Well, that leaves me out. I am not on any of these lists. In fact, I am so out of it that I did not even know there were such lists until now. I guess that is why all of you DON’T pay the big bucks for this service. So it looks like I am S.O.O.L! And, by the way, most of you are too. If you were not so cheap, you could have paid for these numbers and perhaps you could have been in the know. So get over it, we are in this mess together!

The initial release will be in demi bottles of 6 ounces each that will be priced at $1,000. The bottles will be made of thick, heavy black glass said to weigh 5 pounds. The bottles will also be embossed with special symbols, signs, and numbers. And the labels will be printed with recently discovered sacred symbols that have not been reproduced in over 1000 years. Once the customers have received their bottle, those that drink it within 10 days will receive a second chance to buy the wine. This time it will be in the exact same bottle but in a larger 750 ml size. This bottle is said to weigh some 15 pounds! To purchase the bottle, the empty demi bottle must be returned along with the payment of $3000.The rest of the production (said to be only one barrel) has been put into one giant size bottle. It reportedly will be exactly the same bottle as the others only bigger. The size and weight of the big bottle are not known at this time. But I have been told that it will be offered at an on line auction within the next six months with a minimum bid of $500,000.

My sources have little information as yet about what wine is in the bottle. But that should not matter anyway. What does that have to do with it? What I have been told is that the wine was made from grapes harvested in several of the most recent “vintages of the century” and kept in the barrel until last year. So it is a kind of better than “vintage of the century” type wine. Wow! And it comes from a winery outside of the U.S. I’m not sure of the exact spelling. I think it is something like Sine No Scrotum, but please do not quote me on that. Lastly, I am told that the wine reviewer who gave this wine the first ever 101 point score has said that this will be the last  of some 10 million reviews that were made over the last number of years. What a bummer!  But, I guess all good things have to come to an end! The rest of the 100 point folks will be left to move the needle. No matter, that should not be a problem as they seem to be multiplying like rabbits. Nonetheless, these last bottles should be worth an emperor’s ransom as there will never be others exactly like this. And, dynasties do not go on forever. I am afraid that maybe I am missing the boat. And, I am certainly not getting any younger. I can only hope that some one out there is one of the designated 100 point wine reviewers who would share with me. Fat chance! Or perhaps there is some one out there in the Platinum Club who has a benevolent nature.  Kind souls, either way, I am an equal opportunity drinker. And, I cannot go on without tasting this nectar. Please, don’t be cruel. I am begging you. Have a heart. I need your help!

SOS SOs Sos sos…………………………………………………………..!!! Help me!!!!

P.S. Please do not think that this is self serving. I am very sensitive!

APRIL FOOL

In Vino Veritas,

John Tilson